I look at you with the utmost disdain. That look on your face this morning potrayed it all. I know I haven't exactly been a contribution to your institute or the typical ace student. We all do respect, I don't deserve your ostracism or false accusations. You've done sufficient damage to tarnish the bleak image I have remaining. False hopes are what you've created. And to think I looked up to you as a mentor. You had enough superiority in your power to stick out your neck, but unfortunately, I assume, your obese paycheck restrained you.
As for the restless and immature ones, I don't give two hoots about your pile of ballocks. You can add your two cents share to matters which does not concern you. But if you look at your reflection, you'll realise how imperfect you are. Only God chooses the saints. Its not your call. I'd be extremely appalled by your conduct if you were involved in religion. I can only part with a word of advice : Live by faith and not by sight.
So close and yet so far - this statement applies to many events. As expected, the underdogs remained under the tables, nothing eyebrow-raising. Yjc's tennis team is finally out of the 'A' Division, after a hasty trashing from the spotlighted ACJC. It was such a fruitful experience for rookies like myself. I beat myself up once again for slothing away last year. Damn, I coulda been there.
After attending a missionary school for 11 years, certain values have been instilled. That sense of belonging and identity can only be found in non-neighbourhood jcs. Truth is, I am a miserable schoolboy who has lost his way in foreign lands. I miss walking past those religious emblems and statues. I miss those prayers which starts the morning off on a positive note. I miss knowing that God blesses me.
And so He said "Ask and you shall receive." Then again, He added "Take that one step and I'll take the rest for you." I have obviously failed to start the ball rolling. I am not exactly the epitome of academic scholarship, professional athletics or brilliant aesthetics. Which is the very vile reason how I landed myself in a "dilapidated", cold jc which feels like it lacks all presence of God. Its such a paradox, that at times I'd like to categorize myself as someone with an abundance of such skills. What God gave to me is substantial, it only does not suffice for admission into ....
She was standing less than two steps away. There was something intriguing about her. One of those mysteries that compells you to try and solve. Fate fell short this time. My refusal to acknowledge the dead end keeps me hanging over the ledge. I left the gates pondering, what if I had opened my mouth? The difference in calibre would have mattered. Its a compulsive behaviour that I myself, am guilty of. The team getting whacked in the butt 5 nil wasn't exactly aiding the situation either. Life's certainly not a bed of roses. Now, that's just too bad isn't it?
The wayward days have slipped through my fingers. Lets hope that its a permanent scenario which intends to stay. Gone are the days where I covet the unworthy. So now its you, then there's me. You and me is a fiasco of the yesterday's peril. I must admit, wrong place, wrong time. Oh and wrong state of mind.
So blindfold's off, standing before me, flesh and blood of mediocrity. Unique? Hmmm... Entrapping? Booby traps maybe. One of a kind? Must have been blind.
Hugh Hefner's mansion is the next destination. Manipulated puppet has finally found his cranium. The prodigal boy has come to his senses that certain flowers are poisonous, and aren't meant for the picking. Be my guest, I've called it quits.
The worthy do not need to flaunt their worth. Its the unworthy who fail to see life's worth. I enjoyed every bit of the adrenaline moment that kept me intrigued, but ride's over and its time to get off. Life calls for much more, encores aren't neccessary. Every experience is significant in its own way, I want all of it. Take a bow.
I saw the devil's advocate coming, yet I succumbed and failed to restrain. So I glance back hoping to find the 'undo' tool. He must have His reasons for the obstacles placed in my path. Is my walk of faith crumbling into an inevitable destruction derby? By Your blood you wash away the deadly sins into the abyss
You were the only one standing, keeping me away from the brink of insanity and delirium. By my impulsive actions, I closed the doors on you, shutting you away. I bit the hands that fed me. I stepped on the roses in my own garden. Aware of the repercussions and possible outcomes, I continue remaining indifferent and reckless, concerning myself with ridiculous notions.
I've come to a conclusion that I am extremely adept at sweeping the dust under the carpets. Hide-and-seek is only a temporary solution. I've yet to come up with solid strategems. Gifts are usually for the receivers to keep eternally, except for the gift of vitality. Which unfortunately happens to be the most valuable sought-after gift. Priviledges can be retracted as long as the giver is supreme in the hierarchy and you are the insignificant maggot.
The most imbecile act would be that you wear my shoes. Something which you cannot comprehend. Complying is your answer to everything. Why not, you conveniently hit the sack with a light heart and clear mind, while I suffer the dead of the night pondering over the terms you laid on my table. A meagre amount of grace would have sufficed. Clearly, it was too tedious a task for you to handle.
And so he left his vast riches, wealth and comfort in search of something meaningful ; worthwhile. I'd take the long and winding road to nowhere, just to find that bend, if there was even one.
Its karma. "Do unto others as you would do so to yourself." Yet I find myself engulfed in sheer defiance. The weather of late has been unpredictable, a direct comparison to myself these past few days. Why won't you take that risk? Its a dreadful repitition which goes around in a vicious cycle. How uncanny, that I should leave the seat reserved specially for me, for another seat which might not necessarily be available. I am appalled at my own conduct, seeing how I entrust my happiness in foreign hands. I am therefore no saint and retract my previous judgements on involved parties. Being entrapped in such scenarios gives me the birds' eye view and I am hasty to ammend my views. No doubt, it is my prerogative to move the tokens on the board, but what if the grass was greener on square one? Purge my sin.
4 am. My "endearing" GP teacher calls for me to finish my proposal before his lesson commences later. I wish I had continued my journey in Neverland. Being awake takes a toll on my severed self. The pangs of pain strike consecutively. Its so much easier to breakdown and allow tears to dominate. Lucky for those who are able to execute that emotion. I'm just jealous.
We, often are the very creators of our own catastrophies. I see the strong resemblance it has to my state of mind at the moment. Unbelievable, that I made my own choice on the paths. Yet the dissatisfaction and ramblings make it seem that I was no culprit. I had unknowingly turned the tables to my direction, without an accomplice.
